Carve every word before you let it fall
by ladyofthedales
Summary: Cullen/Lavellan and a lil bit of Loghain/Tabris
1. Chapter 1

"I heard Loghain Mac Tir stayed in the fade Inquisitor"

Josephine said with a bit of concern in her voice. Lavellan leaned over the diplomat's desk and sighed "indeed, it was him or Hawke. Both are shemlen, right? But as much as I wanted an alliance with the wardens, I couldn't bring myself to let him once again cheat death."

"I am preoccupied with the political impact of your decision. As you know, warden Loghain was the queen's father and I think the least we can do is send her a letter. Did he address any last words to her?"

"None that I remember, besides I'm pretty sure the queen will find his death useful to gather more sympathizers. Ask her to thank us, she just leveled up from the traitor's daughter to the martyr's daughter"

Josephine did her best to repress a smile "I fear it wouldn't be appropriate to ask for such a thing"

"Pity! How can you do this job, Josephine, it's beyond me. Those nobles I swear pigs are more honorable"

"Now that you mention it there are some disturbing rumors about Loghain… but I would rather ignore them"

As expected Lavellan smile widened "Josephine don't you dare hold gossip from me"

"They say during the fifth blight, he sold elves from the Denerim alienage especially women and children to tevinter slavers"

"That's not a rumor! He did and everybody knows it" Lavellan interrupted

"May I finish Inquisitor?"

"Yes, my bad. Continue please"

"The rumors claim that after his ally Howe slaughtered all the children at the orphanage, Loghain couldn't sell them to the slavers anymore so he found a particular use for them…you see he was a practical man who hated to lose resources… he fed them to his war dogs"

"Creators!"

Disgust and anger twisted her beautiful features. Lavellan pressed a hand to her mouth to repress the urge to vomit.

"That's what the rumors say, Inquisitor, I do not think …"

"what's wrong with those people!"

"you know Orlesians joke about them being lower than a well bred dog"

"And they are right, fucking dog humping hick bastards! should another dog lord send me a letter asking for help or money, and I will invade that shit hole they call a country"

"the commander is fereldan herald" said Josephine with a hint of amusement.

"And now I feel unclean for allowing him to touch me"

Josephine remained silent. she seemed almost concerned. she knew better than badmouthing the commander of the inquisition, Lavellan thought. They were very different. the dalish Inquisitor had been raised to always speak her mind even when she shouldn't. she was halfway between Sera and Josephine, sincere yet always trying not to be rude and succeeding as much as someone with hot temper could. the embarrassing silence in the room made her bite her tongue, Cullen didn't deserve this. When she finally turned to leave, the ambassador called her name.

"I was going to decline this proposal as I did with the others, but after what you said… I think you should take a look "

It took her some painfully long minutes to understand what Josephine meant. The ambassador thought that … Lavellan wasn't serious about Cullen. She wanted to clarify things to explain. the words she spoke went before her thoughts.

when Josephine added "Marquis De La Villardière, heir to a powerful and wealthy family, young and handsome, with a pristine reputation. I recommend that you consider his offer"

Essya blinked, this was unexpected. All the "suitors" so far were mostly old lechers or unmarriageable second sons. Despite her, her hand reached out for the letter.

"Thank you Josephine"

She felt disgusting and slutty. She was midway to the throne room when she retraced her steps and told Josephine to give him the usual response.

Essya Lavellan was a woman of honor. She would never betray an ally or lie to a lover especially when the said lover was as honest as the Commander.

Led by her guilt she headed to his office, he was reading some reports, absorbed in his work, he hadn't heard her entering, that's what she thought when he didn't greet her

"Do you ever take a break darling?"

She expected to startle him a little, instead Essya found herself faced with the most cold and hostile gaze.

"At least someone is working in this maker damned inquisition" the commander snorted.

He immersed in the reports leaving her standing awkwardly in the middle of the room.

He was having a bad day, a headache perhaps or trembling hands. without Lyrium he sometimes reacted like a caged animal . She crossed the distance separating them and reached to caress his cheek, he smacked her hand away fury rising in him. She took a step back her eyes wide in surprise.

"Cullen…" she muttered.

"Shut up!" he hissed between his clenched teeth as he slammed her small body against the bookcase.

It happened so fast. She had no time to react. Her rogue's dexterity useless as the surprise inhibited all her skills. She found herself immobilized by his large body, hands pinned above her head. Cullen was shackling her wrists with his large hand, with the other one he seized her jaw tightly, fingers digging into her soft flesh. She winced in pain, but didn't dare to speak.

Cullen looked down his nose at her, "is this what you're here for your whoreship?"

Incomprehension left place to anger as she struggled against the restraint, trying to move her body.

"Fenedhis!" she cursed "are you out of your mind?"

The commander tilted his head to the side, a muscle flexing in his strong jaw.

"Having a little dirty fun with the dog-humping hick, before marrying the orlesian lord?"

"What are …" she swallowed the rest of her sentence when she realized with horror that he knew.

He might had overheard her conversation with Josephine.

Her eyes widened.

The look in his eyes chilled her to the bone.

"Cullen…I …. Let me explain"

"I have heard enough of your poison dripping words Essya!"

"Cullen please" she begged.

"harsh words" he shook his head "I'm used to it and I never gave it importance"

"A spiteful tongue but a kind heart, I used to tell myself every time I heard you using slurs, calling everybody shemlen or cursing ignorant filthy peasants" he continued.

"her deeds spoke for her, I thought... But You are a deceiving woman" it looked like Cullen was debating with himself out loud.

"I never "she tried to tell him.

"I said shut up" he threatened before crushing his mouth against hers in a violent bruising kiss, he bit her lips and sucked at them until she turned her face away from him. He found his lips suddenly brushing against her round cheek, her resistance emphasized his rage and he bit on the tender flesh before him, Essya gasped, shocked and afraid. Cullen didn't hesitate to give her a bite mark on a visible place, her face. he was really mad at her.

"Were you lying when you pleaded with me to take your maidenhood? when you begged for my cock after a few kisses?" he asked, his mouth inches from her abused flesh. He was choosing his words to hurt to humiliate. She couldn't even look at him now.

"answer me!" he yelled

"no, Cullen. I want you... I love you" she confessed with a shaking voice.

He moved his hand lower. First he kneaded her breasts through her shirt. squeezing harshly. Laughing as she hissed in pain. Then he cupped her sex patting it playfully.

"So you won't mind if I grant you your wish right now"

Essya moaned as his fingers rubbed her sweet spot sending shivers to her body. She craved his touch as always. She shut her eyes as his hand slipped inside her legging. His fingers run along her wet slit before they circled her entrance. A finger pressed dangerously against her most intimate place and her traitorous hips rocked involuntarily wanting him inside. she wanted him more than anything in this gods forsaken world and ached for his touch but when she opened her eyes the anger and disdain in his killed any voluptuous thoughts.

"Not like this, please!" she pleaded, trying to free herself from his iron grip.

"Afraid to lose your precious virginity, Inquisitor? Now that you caught a worthy suitor, you won't let a filthy fereldan peasant take you."

Essya tried to deny it. Even if every word she voiced seemed to irritate him more.

A high pitched scream crossed her lips when he pushed his long finger inside her. This was new to her. One finger felt almost too much as her slick channel objected the rough intrusion.

"Stop it!" she meant to be menacing but her voice came out as a pathetic broken sob.

His digit reposed against her virginal membrane. A little push and it would break. To hold such a power upon her, it was more satisfying than commanding a whole army. Some sort of vicious pleasure submerged him. It was only accentuated by the tightness of her elven sheath and the frowning of her small body. In fact, he had often wondered how it would be like to slip his dick inside her and take her for the first time. Although He had always reminded himself that she was the Inquisitor. Above all, he owed her respect and loyalty and it came first before what he needed. He swore to protect her, to never let anyone hurt her. However At this very moment, he felt he owed her nothing, that woman who disrespected him. She wasn't even the herald of Andraste. How would andraste choose someone like her anyway? he despised her

A voice deep down whispered

then, why are you so furious each time you imagine her into another man's arms

It mortified him...

"don't worry, I'm not going to defile myself and put my dick inside you." he took his finger out of her, trying to calm his ardors, hoping at this point that she would push him away and put a term to this madness. Yet he couldn't resist it… hurting her like she did to him, almost testing the limits of what was going on between them, Cullen shoved his finger into her mouth and forced her to suck it clean.

"what do you taste like?" He put a fake smirk on his lips hoping to infuriate her.

What he wasn't expecting is her spitting on his face, she was begging no more, there was a fire on her eyes and he knew what it meant. Try to do your worst!

And he did.

He freed her hand only to snatch her by the back of her neck and slam her face down onto the wooden desk.

She whimpered her cheek bone would certainly bruise, but she gritted her teeth and clawed at the desk beneath her, she had the choice, she could now punch him and leave … leaving now would mean leaving forever, on the other hand if she allowed him to make this mistake to take his revenge while he was blinded by anger, he would satisfy his 'masculine pride', probably regret this later… it was her unique chance to change her position from the offender to the victim and keep him, it was the only thing that mattered to her, to have him back.

Cullen was cursing and panting behind her, he pulled down her legging and ripped her smalls and now the crown of his cock was nudging her entrance. She was shaking.

He slapped her ass and ordered with breathy voice "lift up your ass and show me your cunt bitch and I'll show you how we fuck dogs in heat in Ferelden."

His hand came down hard once again on her behind and she shrieked, he was hitting hard and she began to question her initial plan.

"Cullen, I returned, I returned the letter and told Joshephine that I made a mistake… go and ask her if…"

"Shut up!" his words were accompanied by another slap.

She whimpered, she wanted to cry, she felt powerless, how could she reason with him now that she pushed him so far.

Cullen stroked his achingly hard member and leaned closer, pressing it between her cheeks as he whispered into her ear "it doesn't change anything, you need a lesson".

Her legs began to shake, as she felt the tip of his hard cock running along her wet slit. Essya was more and more nervous, Cullen cupped her ass cheeks in the palms of his hands … she held her breath, waiting… and then it disappeared, his touch all of it, she raised her head daring to glance back . he was kneeling, Cullen was kneeling behind her, looking directly into her… she swallowed waiting for more humiliation and crude words. It never came. Only the ragged breath of the commander on her wet folds as he hummed with satisfaction, she felt dizzy with the idea, the only thought of his handsome face twisted with desire, nostrils flaring and eyes half led fogging up with need.

Cullen's rough hands stroked her muscular thighs before stretching her swollen folds. She let out a surprised "what…"

Her sentence ended up with a long moan when Cullen's mouth connected with her intimate place.

"Cullen…no! don't, I can't"

She wiggled her ass, only causing more frictions, as his wicked tongue continued to flicker her aching bud. Cullen seized her hips to immobilize her, fingers digging into her flesh as he pushed his tongue inside her moistening hole. he was fucking her with his tongue! Penetrating, licking and sucking her. Squeezing the pleasure out of her. Essya growled barely recognizing her own voice as her pleasure explode without any previous warning, her hands clawing at the wooden desk and her cunt clenching furiously around nothing. She felt her knees giving way beneath her. And him, Fen'harel takes him! He was chuckling maliciously against her skin nuzzling her damp curls.

He stood up and flipped her effortlessly onto her back. she was trembling and couldn't quite catch her breath, until her eyes connected with his face. His lips and chin were glistening with her essence it was a beautiful sight yet something was amiss he wasn't angry anymore, he looked dispirited, bitter… perhaps sad, focusing on his belt as he rearranged his clothes.

She frowned when he jerked his head toward the door and said "leave now" she didn't move, kept staring at his wet lips. Cullen sighed and said "I wasn't going to force myself on you Essya I…"

It was his turn to be surprised; the small elf grabbed his arm with both her hands and drew him closer sealing their lips with a passionate kiss. She wanted to taste herself on his lips, she licked his chin and sucked on his flesh, his stubbles rasping against her soft lips and tongue. He returned her kiss, he held her closer as she kicked her legging and wrapped her legs around him.

Again it was his turn to frown, looking into her eyes as if he was trying to read her mind

"Cullen, take me, make me yours"

"Essya, this isn't…"

"I love you, how many times should I repeat it?"

She implored, with tears on her eyes, lips trembling for that man to believe her. Cullen hesitated for a while, before undoing his belt and taking his cock out. Without breaking eye contact, he positioned himself at her dripping entry. Panting with lust and anticipation, Essya wasn't afraid or wavering anymore.

"Please, Cullen"

He pushed and pushed, his breath ragged, his hands grasping her hips, hard enough to bruise. She bit her lips and closed her eyes.

"Open your eyes look at me while I claim you" he ordered

She obeyed, never looked away while he slide his cock inside her neither as he broke throw her hymen and soothed himself deep within. Her tears run down her cheeks, she was overwhelmed by so many emotions, delirious with pleasure her senses set on fire by his touch, his smell his thick cock stretching her untried cunt, with every thrust she repeated "I love you" a mantra on her lips as her lover took her.

She was crying, Cullen would have stopped if he hadn't felt her legs tightening around his waist encouraging him to keep pumping inside her. He held her closer tugging a fist on her hair until she tilted her head. He darted his tongue and licked a tear falling on her bruised cheek, stroking the darkening spot with his thumb. Maker! He hated himself for losing his temper.

He wasn't going to last. he felt his release closer and closer with every "I love you" she uttered. He thrust harder, her tight quim sucking on his dick, milking him as he slid in and out of her.

A selfish need was building inside him along with his orgasm.

"I'm going to cum inside you." He informed

"I'll make your belly burst with my child. would you like it?" he talked in a low murmur.

Essya nodded, moaning with pleasure at the only thought of it. She felt her cunt throbbing and clenching, the image of her pregnant with Cullen's child flooding her mind.

Cullen braced himself on a hand to look at her, she was getting off on the idea of bearing his child.

"I will take you every day Essya. Give you my seed until you are heavy with my child" Cullen pinched a puckered nipple and sucked at the other "tell… tell me more" she stuttered, her completion close enough to taste.

"Your breasts will flow with milk…uh… grow bigger… your belly swollen with my seed… mine…alone"

Cullen held her closer as she shuddered with her climax, her stretched sopping cunt clenching around his cock.

Tight, small, hot, perfect.

He came hard inside her as promised, cursing and blubbering. He didn't last long her tightness finished him too soon yet Essya's face seemed so radiant and satisfied as he planted feverish kisses on her beloved features. No man on this earth could love her as he did.

She softened then, wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her head on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry Cullen. Forgive me please"

"Forgive me "she repeated

She felt him tense and he held her at arm's-length gazing at her solemnly

"You owe me nothing. You owe no one nothing. You are strong and good, loyal to your clan to your people and those who placed their faith in you"

"Cullen"

"Let me finish woman! You deserve to be with a king. I'm aware of it. If you choose to… it wouldn't change how I feel about you, somehow it kills me to know it" Cullen looked down his confidence faltering.

He took a deep breath and murmured

"I love you "

She clung to him, fingers gripping the fur pauldrons. She clung to him for dear life. She said nothing yet he knew that everything was going to change. He buried his face on her dark curls. She, a dalish elf, felt like home.

Since that day, no one ever heard Inquisitor Lavellan uttering slurs or saying harsh things and giving disdainful looks.

Malicious tongues said that her human lover, the Fereldan commander, kept her on a tight leash. Others assumed that she grew into a wise leader. Her close entourage knew that she simsimply was a well-loved woman.


	2. Ni d'Eve ni d'Adam

The spymaster was a fascinating woman. Essya didn't respect humans, but Leliana had proven herself to be an honorable woman and a precious ally since she stood by Briala in the winter palace and encouraged Essya to do the right thing for the elves. even if Inquisitor Lavellan didn't consider Alienage elves to be her "people", she would never let a woman who burned elves in their homes draw another breath. hopefully, Florianne did the job. Letting the weaked exterminate each others for power was quite enjoyable.

In another universe, Leliana would have been a great keeper. Essaya thought as she entered the spymaster's office.

"Am I disturbing you?"

Leliana raised her head, she was wearing the same severe look, yet she seemed more sad than frightening.

"How can I help you, Inquisitor?"

"I can come back later if…are you writing a letter?"

"Yes"

They both remained silent. Essya fought the urge to ask for she knew that leliana was always holding the most unspeakable secrets.

"I should go"

"I was trying to write to Kallian Tabris"

"The hero of Ferelden?"

"To tell her… what happened to Loghain"

Essya frowned. How hard was it to announce to an elf that the man who wrecked her alienage was dead? Then, all of a sudden she realized.

"I knew it!" she shouted amused, "she was fucking him, that's why she kept him alive!"

Leliana had always a knife or two dissimulated under her clock, and from the glare she was sending her way, Essya could tell that the spymaster was about to throw one of them at her. The Inquisitor cleared her throat and managed to mutter something more dignified.

"I mean it explains a lot of things if we see the matter from this angle"

"From your angle Inquisitor everything seems awfully black and white"

"I didn't intend to insult your friend, Leliana"

Leliana sighed and sat back in her chair.

"You and the commander are a lovely couple. It's far easier to love what is best for us, isn't it, Inquisitor? Some people can't help falling for the wrong person, Kallian is like this"

"But it's… Loghain" Essya wanted to say "evil", "disgusting", but she opted for "loghain" as a moderate synonym of those words.

"She was younger than you when she first met Loghain at Ostagar, he said nice things to her, things that no human told her before. I remember her crying after we discovered what he was doing in the alienage, I never saw someone crying like this"

"She felt like a fool" Essya declared as if speaking to herself. Leliana continued,

"She swore she would kill him with her own hands yet her hands were shaking after she defeated him in single combat. He put a knee down and yielded and her rage disappeared. I remember Alistair exalting her to kill him, then Riordan spoke about making him a Grey Warden and her eyes lit up"

"Did you want her to execute him?"

"At the moment, no. but after that, I witnessed his hold on her growing stronger and I wished she did"

Loghain was a smart man, a gifted strategist and an excellent orator, a peasant who fought and manipulated his way through nobles and kings. A pity that Cailan was already someone else's puppet and he couldn't have any power over him, his death was inevitable if one think about it. Kallian's interest for him was also inevitable. Leliana met her father, Cyrion, and she knew then how much her friend must be tired of men who did nothing to save or to avenge the ones they love.

Loghain was a force of nature. It didn't matter how much Kallian hated him. He was what she craved.

"What happened after that?" Essya asked.

"Kallian was short tempered but kind-hearted and honorable, somehow she was everything Loghain wasn't and he seemed to appreciate this kind of women he also wasn't insensitive to her beauty"

In her last night at the royal palace, Leliana brought a bottle of wine and some petits fours to share a last jovial evening with her friend. Kallian was the most insomniac person she had known and to find her door locked made her suspicious. She got into the next room's balcony and jumped in kallian's balcony. She saw them. Her friend in bed with Loghain.

Kallian was in her hands and knees, clinging to the bed sheets. Loghain was fucking her from behind his fingers digging into her small hips while grabbing a fistful of her dark hair with his other hand. He was shoving his impressive length inside her in hard slow thrusts

It didn't take long before her hands and knees gave way underneath her. It didn't stop him from continuing to pound her, chuckling with evident satisfaction. she was lying beneath him visibly enjoying every moment as his implacable thrusts made her hips rub against the mattress until she came screaming his name.

Leliana tried not to judge but she felt angry, she felt like she could aim an arrow to the heart of that pompous bastard without any remorse. Instead, she left her a goodbye note and left the palace at dawn.

"She wrote to me after that and told me about their relationship, said that I'm the only one who won't judge her" Leliana paused, as if she was trying to remember the exact words "she said, inside each one of us exists a monster, I'm in love with the man, not the monster"

"beautiful lies we tell ourselves to justify bad choices" Essya chuckled dryly

"did the commander pay you a single compliment when you were a dalish spy suspected of murder?"

"No"

"Loghain complimented and encouraged her when she was a conscripted elf who beheaded an Arl's son"

Leliana was getting frustrated. Accusing Cullen or trying to hurt the Inquisitor wasn't her goal. She tried to tell the young hotheaded dalish that "good man" was a versatile notion... Or was she trying to convince herself.

"Well,he left me to die in Haven like Loghain left her in Ostagar. See, I can totally understand"

Leliana smiled, maybe the Inquisitor was more lucid than she looks like.

"I was concerned about her. Imagine all those dirty mongrels if they learn that the elven hero of Ferelden was sleeping with that man"

"Oh, I'll try!"

"it's not the same thing Inquisitor, you are a dalish a foreigner, you didn't live under them, their cruelty and disdain, you don't battle every day to prove to yourself that they are not your dalish taught you pride and to fight. Kallian fought against everyone to prove her value, her people, and humans. I know why she chose him, but the others will never understand. I wanted to protect her"

"I can understand that. I am sorry for what I said earlier"

"So am I…" For having felt relief when I learned he was dead.

"I leave you to your task spymaster"

"Yes"

Essay realized that no decision was going to be easy not even sending a man like Loghain to his death, and if she could go back she would let the old man live for the sake of a stranger elven woman that she would probably never meet.


End file.
